la dee da

So, I’m procrastinating. My means of procrastinating? Reading on the internets about ways to stop procrastinating. Yes, I am a genius. Hit me now.

As much as I am completely unwilling to do anything right now, the internets did have some useful things to say. Particularly this, from the genius pirate Havi–most of us are immune to our own superpowers most of the time.

That’s why I’m procrastinating. Because I’m studying holistic nutrition, ostensibly so that I can help other people be healthy, and yet my dinner consisted of cheese and a jar of marmalade. Yes, the whole thing.

This isn’t passive resistance. This is out-and-out assault. This is taking a class on mindful eating, then picking up fast food on the way home. This is instructing others on the home crafts with my nose in the air, while refusing to enter my kitchen cuz it’s got fruit flies and no clean dishes and I’m kind of worried it’s going to eat me. This is staying up till four in the morning watching bad tv. This is calling in sick because I can’t think of a reason to get out of bed. This is not good.

The thing is, I don’t want to help anybody else right now. Never really did. I just want to help myself. What I want to do is stop.

No more teachers, no more books, no more experts’ dirty looks.

Sorry, Mr. Expert-Pants.

The more I read, the more I learn, the more I hear a voice in my head urging strongly, You already know what to do. I just don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to face this stuff.

I know that I can face it. Or at least, I have before.

But I really, really, really don’t want to.

I am going to try to accept that. What I need in the interim are some better strategies for not doing things. Eating shit and watching crap tv and sitting on my bed till my hips hurt are bad strategies. Because if I’m going to be procrastinating, why not at least waste the time doing something I like?

I’m not sure if I like anything right now.

But when I think of something, I’ll do it.

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